Tag Archives: detachment

Caring is not caring?

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Photo by Martin Malina (July 2020, Galilee Retreat Centre, Arnprior)

The theme since Pentecost Sunday has been relationships. The tone was set on Trinity Sunday, when we again emphasized that God is revealed in relationship – one God, relating in three distinct persons: Creator/Father, Redeemer/Son, Empowerer/Spirit. If God is a relational God, it follows, then, that our faith is expressed in relationship.

The focus then shifts to human relationships among us, on earth, specifically in a community of faith. This is fundamental in Christianity. Our faith is not lone-ranger stuff. Relationships are key. And the quality of those relationships is our focus.

Last week we underscored what connects us all, like roots systems and unseen fungi networks connecting all trees deep underground. What unites us, what ultimately gives us life, protects and keeps us, empowers us and grows us may not be immediately apparent and visible unless you dig a little deeper.

Today’s sermon can be part 2 from last week’s part 1. Because whenever we take a closer look in matters of faith, we often run into a paradox. On the one hand, we are united, bound together in God’s love and grace. But on the other hand, there are spaces in between us that we need to respect.

There are differences that differentiate us one from another. Not honouring those natural boundaries that make us a diverse community violates the very nature and purpose of God’s creation. A beautiful, diverse creation. There are no two exactly-the-same elements, neither between two snowflakes nor between identical twins. I know this to be true, because I am one. An identical twin, that is! My identical twin brother and I are not the same, despite the apparent similarities.

“I hold this to be the highest task of a bond between two people: that each should stand guard over the solitude of the other”.                                                             Rainer Maria Rilke

Even among family members. In the Gospel for today (Luke 9:51-62), Jesus concludes by offering what sounds like harsh words implying that relationships within a family should withstand separation and leave-taking. Admittedly, this side of the paradox can be as difficult and for some even more difficult to practice than the unity part.

Is Jesus advocating for the split up of the family for the sake of the Gospel? How do we resolve the paradox of faith between strong bonds of unity in any family however defined, and a healthy differentiation among members of that family? Unity and diversity.

There is a clue at the beginning of this text to help us navigate the contours of healthy spiritual relationship and resolve the apparent contradiction implied here.

Jesus’ face is set to Jerusalem. “His face was set to go to Jerusalem” is a phrase that is repeated in this Gospel text (Luke 9:51-52).

Jesus had an ambiguous relationship with Jerusalem. His focused attention to go to Jerusalem comes from knowing what he had to face in Jerusalem: the cross, death, and the divine yet challenging purposes of God.

In Jerusalem he would be arrested, tortured, and killed. And, in Jerusalem he would be hailed king and then rise from the dead. It’s a mission he was bent on fulfilling despite the cost.

Jesus grieves. Not only was he accustomed to grief – weeping at the death of his friend Lazarus (John 11:35). He weeps for the city that would kill him. Before the torturous events of his last days, he weeps and grieves lovingly over Jerusalem (Luke 19:41-42). Jesus knew that he needed to let go for him to find new life again. His face set towards Jerusalem reveals his anticipated grief that he will experience within those city walls.

This insight helps me put into context what follows in today’s Gospel about relationships, especially implying family and those closest to us. Jesus’ words speak of a loving detachment.

In Genesis 2:18 after God created Adam, God did not want Adam to be alone. So, God created a “helper”. This verse is taken to be the foundation of intimate relationship, of marriage. The Hebrew word here is usually translated as helpmate. But the Hebrew word more accurately translates, “someone to help you by standing opposite you” (Brous, 2024, pp. 35-36).

It means someone to face you. When someone faces you, they stand opposite you, not shoulder to shoulder, not beside you. For someone to face you, there is always a gap, even a small one, between two people facing each other. A helper positions themselves opposite another. There’s a gap in between them.

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone. Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of [God] can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow” (Kahlil Gibran).

Kahlil Gibran’s “Let there be spaces in your togetherness” is a famous passage from his book The Prophet, specifically from the section on marriage. It emphasizes the importance of maintaining individuality and personal space within an intimate relationship.

What is vital for healthy partnership is not becoming completely intertwined, enmeshed and losing one’s sense of self. When our inner lives seek to merge with another’s, and we adopt another’s emotions for our own, we lose our sense of self. Enmeshment is not a sign of loving, caring, godly relationship. It is the opposite.

Kahlil Gibran’s words, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness” highlights the need for healthy boundaries and personal autonomy within a relationship. That beautiful metaphor, “And let the winds of the heavens dance between you” suggests allowing for freedom and personal growth in the other. And finally, “Love one another, but make not a bond of love” emphasizes that true love is not possessive nor restrictive. Instead, it is a force that allows for individual expression and movement according to the Spirit of creation that forms each person in unique ways.

Loving relationship, in the way of Jesus, is an ever-changing connection, like a sea between two shores. It is not a static, unyielding bond. True love involves respecting the other person’s need for space and independence. 

Jesus helps by standing opposite another, facing us, encouraging in us a capacity to care deeply without becoming overly entangled or controlled by the emotions or actions of others. Jesus helps us by giving others freedom to make their own choices and deal with the consequences of those choices themselves. This form of detachment, often referred to as “detachment with love” (Martin, 2023 January 31) is seen as a way to foster healthier relationships and personal well-being. 

From this perspective, Jesus’ challenging words make more sense to me. “Let the dead bury their own dead,” and, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God” (Luke 9:60-62).

He is not advocating for hating your family, abandoning them, running away, being disengaged and isolated from them. Jesus is rather emphasizing the importance of a mutual care whereby people can stand “opposite” each other because they respect the space in between and permit the loved one to pursue their own life.

In this way, healthy relationships whether in a marriage, a family, a community, a nation, hold space for each other, hold space for our differences, hold space by facing each other in mutual respect and love. In so doing we honour the love Christ has for each person as a beloved, uniquely created child of God.

References:

Brous, S. (2024). The amen effect: Ancient wisdom to mend our broken hearts and world. Avery.

Gibran, K. (2022). The prophet. Peter Pauper Press.

Martin, S. (2023, January 31). Detaching with love is good for everyone: Distancing yourself from other people’s problems isn’t selfish or cruel [website]. Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/conquering-codependency/202301/detaching-with-love-is-good-for-everyone

Rilke, R. M. (2002). Letters to a young poet. Dover Publications.

Annual Pastor’s Report

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Effective Partnerships

The most significant event in the life of Faith Lutheran Church in 2016, was the decision to complete an extensive renovation of our worship space and narthex hallway. To complete this major modernization project, we partnered with the capable and esteemed contracting company from Stittsville, “Amsted”.

This decision precipitated what may in the long run prove to be just as significant, if not more so: The decision to join with the local Anglican parish on Sunday mornings during the time of the renovation (which lasted into 2017).

Even should nothing enduring come of the relationship between Faith Lutheran Church and Julian of Norwich Anglican Church, the mere exercise of gathering as a hybrid congregation for the last ten consecutive Sundays in 2016 plus two Christmas Eve services caught the attention of the Christian community in Ottawa and across our Eastern Synod.

Meeting to worship with local Anglicans affirmed both the existing Full Communion relationship between the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada (ELCIC) and the Anglican Church of Canada (ACC), an agreement existing since 2001. As such, given the other options during our vacancy from 43 Meadowlands Drive West, meeting with an Anglican congregation was attractive, since doing so facilitated many logistics of worship between our similar liturgies, as well as kept a certain momentum alive for meeting at all, during the renovation/vacancy period.

On Lutheran liturgy Sundays (every other Sunday) at Julian of Norwich, we expressed our unique identity within the union of two distinct congregations. For example, each congregation has different histories, as well as contrasting governance structures (i.e. Anglicans are governed episcopally, while Lutherans are governed in a congregational structure).

While comparing congregations is fruitful, challenging and enjoyable, the fact that we began this relationship knowing we were returning home at some point allows us to pose critical questions of review of our ‘way of doing things’ freely, both around sacramental practice and mission.

During the Eastern Synod Assembly in June, your lay delegate (Julia Wirth) and the pastor heard again the four main, missional themes of the Eastern Synod (Effective Partnerships, Healthy Church, Spirited Discipleship, Compassionate Justice). No doubt, our congregation participated in a way no other Eastern Synod congregation has, in affirming the value of seeking “Effective Partnerships” in fulfilling God’s mission, especially during times of need and change.

Loss and Transition

A basic assumption of committing to the renovation project was that we had to take leave of our current building, and specifically our place of prayer. Doing so was an act of courage. Leaving a place that has symbolized a constant certainty in the lives of Faith members for over fifty years was not easy. Our sense of stability in faith was disrupted, as we were challenged to distinguish between the form (‘our’ building) and function (the purpose) of faith.

This leave-taking coincided with other endings. June 2016 marked the last time the Faith Lutheran Women (FLW), structured the way they had been for the last few decades, met in typical fashion (see report). For some time prior to this they had been talking about closing their account and ceasing to meet ‘as is’. In the latter part of 2016, that talk became reality.

Also, the Confirmation program that for several years had been a successful experience for leaders and participants alike, did not in the Fall of 2016 achieve the critical mass of students to warrant a class structured in the same way. As a result, no program started up at the start of the school year.

These events, I believe, constitute ground for growth and maturity of our community as we practice the spiritual gifts of detachment and trust. The prophet Isaiah spoke the word of God to the exiled people in Babylon in the 6th century B.C.:

“Do not remember the former things, or consider the things of old. I am about to do a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” (Isaiah 43:18-19)

Before the new thing arrives, we need to stop the old thing. These endings are not failures as such; rather, they provide the space for the new thing God will have for us. What we are called to in disruptive times of loss and transition, I believe, is to be patient, have presence of mind and openness of heart, and be willing to take a risk together when something presents itself in our hearts as possibility and passion.

Poised for renewal

Moving into the new year, Faith Lutheran Church is poised to embrace a season of discernment, reflection and new beginnings.

Not only will we return to enjoy the gift of a refreshed, safe and healthy environment for meeting in our newly renovated building, we will be encouraged to reflect on what this space, created for at least another decade of ministry, worship, and mission, will be used for.

Late in 2016, the congregational council unanimously endorsed a proposal for a 3-month sabbatical for the pastor in 2017. The sabbatical covenant, based on the Eastern Synod Guidelines for Sabbatical, addresses the need for leaders to take periodic and extensive ‘pauses’ in vocational life, for renewal, reflection and discernment.

The benefits for the congregation mirror those for the pastor. From the perspective of providing some distance, a sabbatical gives freedom for everyone to step back, assess the structure of ministry and mission in the congregation, and contemplate new ways of supporting one another in our lives of faith.

For example, healthy congregations in general have several highly functioning lay leaders who engage proactively not only in managing a church, but in leading the mission of the church. The health benefits to the congregation, as for the pastor, following the sabbatical give opportunity for renewal of the mutuality of the relationship between pastor and congregation in God’s mission. The ‘reset button’ is pressed, and energy flows again.

Adaptive Change: Put away the mallets and start asking “Why?”

“There is a wonderful story of a group of American car executives who went to Japan to see a Japanese assembly line. At the end of the line, the doors were put on the hinges, the same as in America. But something was missing.

“In the United States, a line worker would take a rubber mallet and tap the edges of the door to ensure that it fit perfectly. In Japan, that job didn’t seem to exist.

“Confused, the American auto executives asked at what point they made sure the door fit perfectly. Their Japanese guide looked at them and smiled sheepishly. ‘We make sure it fits when we design it.’

“In the Japanese auto plant, they didn’t examine the problem and accumulate data to figure out the best solution — they engineered the outcome they wanted from the beginning. If they didn’t achieve their desired outcome, they understood it was because of a decision they made at the start of the process.

“At the end of the day, the doors on the American-made and Japanese-made cars appeared to fit when each rolled off the assembly line. Except the Japanese didn’t need to employ someone to hammer doors, nor did they need to buy any mallets. More importantly, the Japanese doors are likely to last longer and maybe even more structurally sound in an accident. All this for no other reason than they ensured the pieces fit from the start.

“What the American automakers did with their rubber mallets is a metaphor for how so many people and organizations lead … a series of perfectly effective short-term tactics are used until the desired outcome is achieved. But how structurally sound are those solutions?

“ … Long-term success [is] more predictable for only one. The one that understands why the doors need to fit by design and not by default.

“Going back to the original purpose, cause of belief will help … [churches] adapt. Instead of asking, “WHAT should we do …? the questions must be asked, “WHY did we start doing WHAT we’re doing in the first place, and WHAT can we do to bring our cause to life considering all the technologies and …[other] opportunities available today?” (1)

Being poised for renewal means we need to understand the nature of change in institutions such as the church. Some definitions, outlined in a report generated by the Eastern Synod Mission Committee late in 2016, draw the distinction between Technical Change and Adaptive Change:

Technical Change is about fixing problems while essentially keeping the system the same. In other words, where’s the mallet?
Adaptive Change, on the other hand, is about addressing fundamental changes in values that demand innovation, learning and changes to the system itself. Start with ‘Why?’ And then lead from there, by design not default.

During this coming year, which will give all of us permission to pause and reflect, please resist the temptation to rush into doing something either because ‘we’ve always done it that way’ or because we are too anxious not to remain awhile in the uneasy ‘in-between’ time of loss and transition. Be patient, take deep breath, pray, and reflect on the following questions:

Our adaptive challenge questions for 2017:
1. How do we communicate? To whom is each of us accountable?
2. How well do we listen and seek to understand the other? Give concrete examples.
3. Will we create a list of those who are not in church (technical strategy); or, will we identify the needs in the community surrounding 43 Meadowlands Dr West, in Ottawa (adaptive strategy)?
4. How will prayer be our starting point?
5. What are other ways besides worship that serve as entry points for the public to engage the church? This is important.
6. How do we see worship as a launching pad, not a destination, for following Jesus? This is very important.
7. What are the gifts we have as a church? (personnel, space, talents, passions, etc.)
8. How well do you know your fellow congregants’ jobs, professions, contacts, interests, hobbies, talents, passions?
9. Why do we initiate a ministry or mission outreach activity in the first place? Who is the target group? What is the purpose of doing it? Does everyone know the purpose? Why or why not? Is there general agreement about the purpose? Why or why not?

Thank you again for the privilege of another year doing this work with you. Blessings and Grace, on our journeys moving forward,
Pastor Martin

(1) Simon Sinek, “Start With Why”, Penguin Books, New York, 2009, p.14-15, p.51