The theme since Pentecost Sunday has been relationships. The tone was set on Trinity Sunday, when we again emphasized that God is revealed in relationship – one God, relating in three distinct persons: Creator/Father, Redeemer/Son, Empowerer/Spirit. If God is a relational God, it follows, then, that our faith is expressed in relationship.

The focus then shifts to human relationships among us, on earth, specifically in a community of faith. This is fundamental in Christianity. Our faith is not lone-ranger stuff. Relationships are key. And the quality of those relationships is our focus.

Last week we underscored what connects us all, like roots systems and unseen fungi networks connecting all trees deep underground. What unites us, what ultimately gives us life, protects and keeps us, empowers us and grows us may not be immediately apparent and visible unless you dig a little deeper.

Today’s sermon can be part 2 from last week’s part 1. Because whenever we take a closer look in matters of faith, we often run into a paradox. On the one hand, we are united, bound together in God’s love and grace. But on the other hand, there are spaces in between us that we need to respect.

There are differences that differentiate us one from another. Not honouring those natural boundaries that make us a diverse community violates the very nature and purpose of God’s creation. A beautiful, diverse creation. There are no two exactly-the-same elements, neither between two snowflakes nor between identical twins. I know this to be true, because I am one. An identical twin, that is! My identical twin brother and I are not the same, despite the apparent similarities.

“I hold this to be the highest task of a bond between two people: that each should stand guard over the solitude of the other”.                                                             Rainer Maria Rilke

Even among family members. In the Gospel for today (Luke 9:51-62), Jesus concludes by offering what sounds like harsh words implying that relationships within a family should withstand separation and leave-taking. Admittedly, this side of the paradox can be as difficult and for some even more difficult to practice than the unity part.

Is Jesus advocating for the split up of the family for the sake of the Gospel? How do we resolve the paradox of faith between strong bonds of unity in any family however defined, and a healthy differentiation among members of that family? Unity and diversity.

There is a clue at the beginning of this text to help us navigate the contours of healthy spiritual relationship and resolve the apparent contradiction implied here.

Jesus’ face is set to Jerusalem. “His face was set to go to Jerusalem” is a phrase that is repeated in this Gospel text (Luke 9:51-52).

Jesus had an ambiguous relationship with Jerusalem. His focused attention to go to Jerusalem comes from knowing what he had to face in Jerusalem: the cross, death, and the divine yet challenging purposes of God.

In Jerusalem he would be arrested, tortured, and killed. And, in Jerusalem he would be hailed king and then rise from the dead. It’s a mission he was bent on fulfilling despite the cost.

Jesus grieves. Not only was he accustomed to grief – weeping at the death of his friend Lazarus (John 11:35). He weeps for the city that would kill him. Before the torturous events of his last days, he weeps and grieves lovingly over Jerusalem (Luke 19:41-42). Jesus knew that he needed to let go for him to find new life again. His face set towards Jerusalem reveals his anticipated grief that he will experience within those city walls.

This insight helps me put into context what follows in today’s Gospel about relationships, especially implying family and those closest to us. Jesus’ words speak of a loving detachment.

In Genesis 2:18 after God created Adam, God did not want Adam to be alone. So, God created a “helper”. This verse is taken to be the foundation of intimate relationship, of marriage. The Hebrew word here is usually translated as helpmate. But the Hebrew word more accurately translates, “someone to help you by standing opposite you” (Brous, 2024, pp. 35-36).

It means someone to face you. When someone faces you, they stand opposite you, not shoulder to shoulder, not beside you. For someone to face you, there is always a gap, even a small one, between two people facing each other. A helper positions themselves opposite another. There’s a gap in between them.

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone. Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of [God] can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow” (Kahlil Gibran).

Kahlil Gibran’s “Let there be spaces in your togetherness” is a famous passage from his book The Prophet, specifically from the section on marriage. It emphasizes the importance of maintaining individuality and personal space within an intimate relationship.

What is vital for healthy partnership is not becoming completely intertwined, enmeshed and losing one’s sense of self. When our inner lives seek to merge with another’s, and we adopt another’s emotions for our own, we lose our sense of self. Enmeshment is not a sign of loving, caring, godly relationship. It is the opposite.

Kahlil Gibran’s words, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness” highlights the need for healthy boundaries and personal autonomy within a relationship. That beautiful metaphor, “And let the winds of the heavens dance between you” suggests allowing for freedom and personal growth in the other. And finally, “Love one another, but make not a bond of love” emphasizes that true love is not possessive nor restrictive. Instead, it is a force that allows for individual expression and movement according to the Spirit of creation that forms each person in unique ways.

Loving relationship, in the way of Jesus, is an ever-changing connection, like a sea between two shores. It is not a static, unyielding bond. True love involves respecting the other person’s need for space and independence. 

Jesus helps by standing opposite another, facing us, encouraging in us a capacity to care deeply without becoming overly entangled or controlled by the emotions or actions of others. Jesus helps us by giving others freedom to make their own choices and deal with the consequences of those choices themselves. This form of detachment, often referred to as “detachment with love” (Martin, 2023 January 31) is seen as a way to foster healthier relationships and personal well-being. 

From this perspective, Jesus’ challenging words make more sense to me. “Let the dead bury their own dead,” and, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God” (Luke 9:60-62).

He is not advocating for hating your family, abandoning them, running away, being disengaged and isolated from them. Jesus is rather emphasizing the importance of a mutual care whereby people can stand “opposite” each other because they respect the space in between and permit the loved one to pursue their own life.

In this way, healthy relationships whether in a marriage, a family, a community, a nation, hold space for each other, hold space for our differences, hold space by facing each other in mutual respect and love. In so doing we honour the love Christ has for each person as a beloved, uniquely created child of God.

References:

Brous, S. (2024). The amen effect: Ancient wisdom to mend our broken hearts and world. Avery.

Gibran, K. (2022). The prophet. Peter Pauper Press.

Martin, S. (2023, January 31). Detaching with love is good for everyone: Distancing yourself from other people’s problems isn’t selfish or cruel [website]. Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/conquering-codependency/202301/detaching-with-love-is-good-for-everyone

Rilke, R. M. (2002). Letters to a young poet. Dover Publications.